this is what it's like to make a deal with the devil.

i am fully aware of what he's capable of-how much evil he could cause.
and yet a small part of me was drawn to the curiousity, to the danger.
there was an adrenaline rush whenever i get close to him.
with perfect knowledge of a loveless relationship.
i took a risk.
played his game.
then, he picked some small dusty pieces of my smashed heart
and tried to glue them together.
this was not suppose to happen.
he looked deep into my eyes and grinned.
i was confused.
he told me that i dont have to say anything,
as everything is written in my eyes.
i felt exposed..vulnerable.
i hate it when somebody reads me.
for my thoughts are scribbled in the most unfashionable way.
and yet he managed to.

everything was a blur.
just like a scene worthy of being written off
this day was like that in the scenario of my mundane life.
though his presence was addictive,it was also poisonous.
and before i had a glimpse of the bright sun,
he killed me.

 at the end of the day, i end up in my room, in front of my computer, typing my silly thoughts on my lj-yep.  
as of today, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT.

last night , i saw me almost 2years ago. it was quite a wild night. the weird thing is, i didn't feel like myself, and to be honest, it was not the best feeling. it just seems like i'm too old and too worn out for this kind of lifestyle. surely, it was fun doing it for a couple of months, maybe a year tops, but in the long run-everything just becomes a routine. however, it was rockin' bein out with friends after such a long time. we felt young, and we were all exhausted from work-it's just right to give ourselves a lil bit downtime. ;)

i woke up with a bad headache-the first person i called was my best friend. 10am seems to be a pretty early time for people with our "condition". asked her to go for coffee. as she opened the door, she was really pissed off at me for some reason, she kept on babbling how irresponsible i was. it didn't hurt or bother me at all-because she saved me. this post is about her.

"i don't believe that people are good, nor that love exists, i may be naive when i first got here, but now i've just proven that the world is just dark and unkind. and of all people, i expected you to get what i am saying."

"i know that love exists."

"fine, then please do tell me how you figured that out! did somebody prove to you that this lil theory is true? come on, people are selfish, and they just screw things, other people, and it's a part of our animalistic behaviour."

"you proved it to me. and i saved you and will keep on saving you because i love you."

and then the immature child inside me just shout the hell up.

last night was no exception. whenever she tells me off for losing my keys, or almost burning down the house due to some microwave mishap, or breaking the tumble dryer, or not having the ability to read a map, getting lost even on a 20 meter radius, i don't care. i didn't need anybody to tell me that they love me on an hourly basis, but her screaming at me was an eye-opener (and i though im the most observant one!)

somebody told me that in order to stop caring, one has just to have an experience that's gonna scar for life. i've had too many scratches, bruises, and marks in my life that would give me more than enough reason to just let go of the positivity. i almost did. but then there are people just like her, who will be there to see the worst version of me, and yet could still look me in the eyes and tell me that i'm a wonderful person, and for a pessimistic, apathetic person like her, oh my God i am honoured to love her.

love is defined in so many ways. i am not looking for a comprehensive definition. sometimes, the ones that do last, are the ones which are the least conspicuous. 

the world doesn't revolve around one thing, or one person.  i found myself saying the following: "when i came here, i realized that my world is bigger".  this is not a bad thing.  surely, i still have my personal flaw of obsessing over the smallest things, don't get me wrong.  i am still far from perfect.  i keep on asking my friends if they had the same feeling of being disconnected with their past.  on the plus side, i found out that i wasn't alone.  on the minus side is the reality. 

i somehow regret the fact that i gave up a comfortable, familiar life because of something really superficial.  it did cause me a lot of very important relationships.  but then again, despite this bitter regret is a prediction that if i had to do everything all over again, i would still do the exact same things-may be not on the exact same time though.  i learned that having to come here, live on my own, i do have a lot of growing up to do.  this does not take away the fact that from time to time i slip on my childish behaviour.  then again, life is a learning process.

for my new year's resolution, i promised myself not to get too attached to anything, or anyone-it's both difficult and ridiculous task, as it meant i would be separating myself to who i developed myself this entire time.  perhaps it's not the best idea.  i don't know.  i did manage to care so much for certain people already that it would be so damn hard to back out now.  we will see.

after seeing my friend from paris a couple of days ago i felt that time has abandoned me to a whole new dimension-for the first time the change in me occurred.  it saddens me.  i missed the old me.  but as i told my other friend, maybe the reason i am here in the first place is to find myself-the person whom im meant to be in the future, we don't know, maybe all this time the very person i am so looking for is just waiting for me behind.

i hope i could.  but it will take time-loads of it. 

i've never felt more lost than i was before. i thought that if i escape from the fewest of the bad things which broke me, then i would be able to find a more peaceful sanctuary to heal my wounds. i did. and i've never been happier. but then again from time to time things, events, people, inevitably hurt my heart. cheesy, i know, and i really dont deny that i've lost my sense in writing, cause i never had the time to do so, getting more and more preoccupied from getting away for a day or two, getting hammered and feelin worse the following day, sitting for hours doing nonsense, but im starting to be a bit tired.

i guess, this is just one of those days when the shitty weather here in london (and trust me, there's nothing worse! hehe) is affecting my mood. and i also miss mummy katka, my wife lexi, and all the other things which we used to do before. i miss jonny, and how we used to do a lot of stuff together, and most importantly, i miss my friends back home--ALL of them. i really really do wanna go home for a holiday, but going home to an empty surely is not my definition of a holiday. it's deppresin, knowing that london is my new home, with my family here and all. but it doesn't feel like home, rather, it's just one pit stop in my journey through life. everytime i talk about plans in the future with my friends, they all seem to have this blue print of where they're gonna be next yr--workin in greece, going home to the czech republilc, going to canada or germany, etc. whilst i don't have a damn clue. hahahaha

as i've said--shitty weather.

im falling faster and faster once again into this abyss which is your charm..
in spite the beauty of the trees, the park, the waterfalls, the lake, i couldn't take my eyes off of you.
im completely besotted.

lying under the shade with your eyes resting--i stare at your beautiful lashes,
your cute nose, and your kissable lips...they're just perfect.
im completely besotted.

seeing you in a place where it is highly unlikely to run into each other took my breath away
i was like a young school girl with a major crush on a film geek.
im completely besotted.

...with you crazy boy.

nothing seems to be on a right timing for me.. :(

under the bridge.
thames river.
trafalgar square.
the fountain.
the lion statues.
the high platform.
the singing.
the dancing.
when my favorite song is sang beautifully..sincerely.
when you showed me your heart-in your favorite place on earth.
the cigar--its taste,its smell.

the craziness.
the laughter.
the never-ending jokes.
turning into passion.
attraction.
i was shivering so much, but i didn't mind the cold--and neither did you.

it was like a movie.


i was never treated like this.
for a moment, i felt like royalty.
you sweep me off my feet.

believe me, i try so freakin' hard not to fall for everything--
--everything that seems to be perfect, beautiful, amazing and enchanting.
like those cheesy scenes from a love story.
i won't give in.
i won't be weak.
perhaps i should stop convincing myself.

i ask myself, why me? why do i have to endure this?
i don't deserve to get my heart broken in the future.
oh believe me, one day you will break me.
i am fragile. just healing. vulnerable.

4 fucking days, and i'll be gone for 3 weeks.
which in London time is 3 years--or maybe more.
i will miss you, crazy boy.
the one who saved me from everything bad happening reccurringly in my life.
who will in turn be my own villain.
oh, i know. because i am wise.

you'll forget about me by the time i get back.
and i will be hanging on to the best memory i've had.
every part of London will make me think of you.
and everytime i do, i will break into pieces.
i will cry.
no, i will breakdown in the future.
did i tell you that when it comes to my own fate, i am psychic?

i have always hated this part of my story. so predictable.
can't you give me a challenge at the very least.

it has been 8months since i got here. i remember during my first month--when i was deeply depressed and homesick--i had a lil chat with my sister over some really good apple crumble and tea one afternoon:

sister: it's normal to miss everything and everybody. but sooner you'll realize that everything's gonna change and you can't hold on to everything and everyone that you got used to back home.

me: see, i refuse to believe that. i don't think that many will change. im as sure as hell that i won't.

sister: are you sure about that? give it a year, and then get back to me.

the conversation was something like that.

then the conversation with alexia brought something up that this country changes who you were back in your own country. her theory was that whatever one was like back in one's country, it will be the complete opposite when one is in London. i don't know.


why am i putting so much thought into changes? it's simply because i am bored. i needed something to ponder on to exercise this useless meat in my skull which my boss calls a hollow brain. i don't know if i did change or not, and i honestly don't care. nurturing something is definitely volatile, for a lack of a better term, in some way. it can be swayed in any direction.

what i do feel now is that i've never been more excited to go home. but i don't expect a lot--because i know that a lot of people have lives of their own, so it's inevitable for me not to see some of them. yep, we do change. i feel that im gonna miss London as well, especially my best friends whom i'll be leaving for almost 3wks.

perhaps i did change. i don't know if it's for the good or bad, though. i'll see.

woopee!!! im flying on the 2nd of feb! oh..i hope to see you guys there! yay!!!

i really really really miss you people! hugs, kisses, and more hugs and kisses!

p.s. hmm..who wants to pick me in the airport? *beautiful eyes*